What do you think about when you read the word “resilience”?
Depending on the context and culture you grew up in, it can mean different things to each of us. If your context was anything like mine, the word “resilience” might recall other phrases and the feelings that follow them like “Just grow up!” or “Be a man!” or “Rub some dirt on it.” or “Shake it off.” The unintentional consequence of phrases like these is that they dismiss the underlying feelings of hurt or stress, and furthermore they set one up to fear meaningful engagement with one’s feelings. These phrases are not true resilience!
True resilience is so much more than platitudes, and so much more than just “gritting your teeth and bearing it” when you experience difficulties. True resilience is a worldview (read: an approach to your life) that starts with acknowledging feelings, then engages those feelings, and ends with growing within and because of those feelings.
First, we must acknowledge the feelings. When you lose your job, or a loved one passes way; when you get the bad diagnosis, or the passion project fails miserably – the feelings are terrible, right? We feel sad, heartbroken, lonely, misunderstood, put-upon. Most of us have grown very adept and stuffing these feelings and ignoring them. Resilience starts with seeing and acknowledging these feelings. Look at them. Notice how they feel in your body. Observe how they make your thinking patterns ebb and flow. These feelings are neither good or bad – they just are! And they are normal to feel.
Second, we must engage the feelings. Once we have seen and familiarized ourselves with the feelings, we have to actually sit with them for a bit. It could take an hour, it could take several years. However long it takes, resilience is built from the inside-out when feel these feelings fully. Let the tears come. Shout it out! Write the feelings down, push them into your workout exercises, or move them into your creative outlet. Getting these feelings out is the key resiliency factor, instead of stuffing them down.
Lasting, we must grow within and because of these feelings. The sadness will pass. The anxiety will wane. A friend will call and the loneliness will slough off. The feelings are out, what now? It’s time to process what we have learned. What feels different in you? What relationships have changed? Are you more confident in your vulnerability? Can you identify that glowing, golden inner strength that was left behind by the refining fire of the hardship? What you see there inside you is resilience!
The bad times will come again, you’d better believe it! But now, having approached your life with a resilient world view once before, you’ll find that the resilience in you helps you move through the next hardships in a healthier way. You’ll also find that the feelings become easier to feel! The hard feelings will seem more like old friends who are here for a visit, instead of like enemies to be avoided. Continue leaning into the feelings, friends. We are all going to be okay!
