John has a friend that gives him a big, tight-squeezing bear-hug every time they see each other. John, however, is not fond of bear-hugs, and frankly feels uncomfortable with any hugs altogether, but he grits his teeth and bares it (pun intended). In fact, every hug anyone has ever offered to him, he has accepted despite his internal and bodily discomfort with it. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Why?
Marleene’s email inbox currently has 4 unopened emails. One is an invitation to join a new biweekly book club her friend is hosting. One is from her passionate coworker who is looking for board members for the new nonprofit they are launching. One is from the children’s minister at her church asking for volunteers the next three Sundays. The last is from her aging mom, a forward from Carnival Cruises announcing the next several departure dates, complete with suggestive winky-face emojis and the single sentence message: “Are you and the grandbabies coming with me, or not?!” Marlene hasn’t been able to answer the emails yet, because she feels obligated to say yes to all of them. Why?
Keesha is a physical therapist at a local clinic, and has a full caseload. One of her patients sends her a friend/follower-request on Facebook and Instagram once a week, and it’s making her feel uneasy. This particular patient has taken a lot more attention in order to build trust and rapport, and she does not want to hurt that progress. Keesha keeps ignoring the digital requests, and does not mention it to the patient during appointments when they see each other in person. She also hasn’t mentioned it to her supervisor, and she’s unsure what to do with her unease. Why?
Perhaps you resonate with one of these stories. In each case, the subject is facing the choice of whether or not to set a needed, healthy boundary. And in each case, the subject continues not to set it despite their own bad feelings. The reason for this may be simpler than you expect!
Researcher, author, and speaker, Brené Brown, said in a recent article, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. We can’t base our own worthiness on others’ approval (and this is coming from someone who spent years trying to please everyone!). Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say ‘Enough!’”
In other words, the main reason so many of us wait so long to set needed, health boundaries is because we do not love and respect ourselves enough to do so. When we don’t set the boundaries, over time we end up feeling resentful, depressed, anxious, triggered to cope with substances, or worse. How much do you value your own time? How much do you value your own feelings? How much do you value your own comfort levels and preferences?
Let’s start showing ourselves the love and respect we deserve. Set the boundary. If you or someone you know needs help setting a boundary for your own mental health, please know The Willow Center is here to help.
Written by Chase Cotten, Community Director
