What do you expect the year to be like? What do you expect your boss to say to you during your annual review meeting? What chores do you expect your partner or kids to complete before the evening winds to a close?
Some expectations are good and necessary, such as your workplace’s expectation that you report on time for your shifts, and complete your responsibilities as assigned. But many, if not most expectations that influence us can have a shadow side.
We all carry expectations for ourselves and for those around us. We also carry expectations for communities, governments, schools, businesses, sports teams, celebrities — you name it. When those expectations aren’t met, or when someone feels like they aren’t meeting them, feelings get hurt on either side.
Researcher, speaker, and author Brené Brown in her new book Atlas of the Heart calls these “stealth expectations,” because they are often unvocalized and subconscious. We are not even aware that we are carrying them around with us up until the moment they are broken. Another key point Brown makes is that stealth expectations are typically made about something totally outside of our control, such as how others respond to us or how situations play out that we are only a small part of.
Perhaps the most insidious expectations of all are those that society at large holds over us based upon our demographics. For example:
- High school seniors are often expected and encouraged to apply and get accepted to college by parents, caregivers, teachers, and guidance counselors, as opposed to less traditional routes like trade schools or enlisting in the military.
- New moms (perhaps all moms) feel near-constant pressure from mommy-influencers on social media to be perfect, always having the most meticulously planned and curated snacks, games, toys, activities, disciplinary responses, etc.
- Professionals in almost any field are incentivized to always think up the ladder about their next steps, as opposed to being incentivized to be content and grateful for where they’re at today.
Living up to these expectations is next to impossible. Our white-knuckled attempts to do so play a direct role in developing feelings of depression and anxiety, as well as in using substances to cope with the stress of it all.
If you are or someone you know is feeling the weight of expectations and you need support to figure out which ones are good and which ones are bad, please know The Willow Center is here for you.
-Written by Chase Cotten, Community Director
