“I’m just so stupid.”
“No matter how much I practice I’m still terrible.”
“I’m so ugly.”
Parents and caregivers, sound familiar? If these are phrases you often hear uttered from your teenager, chances are you’re not alone. Teenagers today face and navigate so many challenges, from intense competition and comparison on social media, to struggles to “fit in” with their peers, to persistent and damaging media calling them to conform to unattainable societal and attractiveness standards. But perhaps one of the most daunting challenges teens face in today’s world is low self-esteem. Below are some tips for how to help your teens see themselves the way you see them – as strong, capable world-changers!
Tip #1 – praise effort, not success. It may seem like a good idea to say to your teen, “way to go, an A+! You are so smart!” However, the danger in commenting on a teen’s successes in school, sports, and even looks is that this can create unrealistic expectations of what the teen can actually achieve, causing her to be critical of herself next time she fails to achieve an “A+.” Of course, we want our teens to “give it their best shot,” and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. The danger lies in building our teens up so much that they strive for perfection, failing to give themselves the grace that they deserve – no one can be perfect all the time. Let your teens know you’re proud of the effort they’re putting in, and that you see them doing their best – this sends a message that love is not conditional based on outcomes, but love is a constant simply because of who they are.
Tip #2 – challenge their self-blaming statements. Ever feel like you’ll scream if you hear your teen say one more time, “I can’t?” The reality is that we know they can! If your teen misses a shot and says “I never make any baskets,” call them out and point out a time they DID shoot that three-pointer. Some teens engage in black-and-white thinking, making all-or-nothing statements that are harmful to their self-esteem. Help them with the three C-s – check it, challenge it, change it. Ask your teen these questions – “what did you just hear yourself say? Is this a realistic thought – why or why not? If not, how can we view it in a different way?”
Tip #3 – give them space to feel. Struggling with self-esteem as a teen is not easy. Teens are facing many complex emotions when they fail to achieve, often including disappointment, sadness, anger, and maybe even the fear of letting you down. Let your teen know that you understand their feelings about missing that shot. Assure them they can discuss their feelings with you if they choose, and empathize with what they’re experiencing. If you hear your teen say – “I let the team down” – follow their statement with something like this – “it must be really tough to feel like you let the team down – the reality is, the team had one off game. It happens.”
The bottom line is that in this ever-changing and challenging world, teens need support, and our job as parents is to give it to them. Don’t be afraid to have those tough conversations – remember, you’ve got this, and so do they! If your teen needs additional support, or if you need additional support as a parent or caregiver, please reach out to The Willow Center at 317-852-3690.
–Written by Corey Brackney, LMFTA
