Do you ever feel like you just don’t measure up? You “try your best,” as your parents encourage you to do. You strive for those As and A+’s in school. You obsess about that shot you missed at the buzzer, and tell yourself you’re a failure.
Sound familiar? If it does, you may be experiencing unhealthy perfectionism. Unhealthy perfectionism can lead to unwanted stress and anxiety and maladaptive ways of coping, including self-harm, restricting food or binging, and substance misuse. So how do we recognize unhealthy perfectionism in ourselves, and work on acceptance instead?
The first step to changing perfectionistic thoughts is understanding and accepting them. It’s ok to strive to be the best version of “you” – spending time on what’s important to you, studying in a timely manner for that test, and practicing your craft so you can excel. What can be unhelpful, however, is setting yourself up for failure with unrealistic expectations. Perfectionism, at its core, involves putting pressure on yourself by setting high standards, which then influences how you feel about yourself when you fail to meet those standards. One way to recognize when perfectionistic tendencies are taking over is to notice when your self-worth becomes tied to others’ perceptions of you. This is a warning sign – and noticing warning signs such as these is the first step in replacing your self-defeating tendencies with positive thoughts and actions.
Do you find yourself saying “I should” or “I must” often? These are black and white statements. It’s important to challenge these thoughts by identifying where the unrealistic expectations come in. For example, instead of, “I should always be kind in order to make sure others like me,” try “I do my best to treat others with kindness. If they don’t like me, that is not a reflection of who I am as a person.”
Do you find yourself “people pleasing” often? It’s great to be adaptive to the needs and desires of others, but when you fail to acknowledge or advocate for your own needs and desires, this can lead to pent up resentment and anxiety – another form of perfectionism.
Once you’ve recognized that you are experiencing perfectionism, you can give yourself some grace and adjust your expectations to be more reasonable and flexible. What would you say to your best friend if they were experiencing your same situation? Whatever that may be, try saying it to yourself. Make a list of positive affirmations and mantras and hang it in your locker or bedroom. Practice positive coping skills and engage in activities you enjoy when you’re feeling anxious. Take a breather!
Many people have perfectionistic tendencies. But you CAN learn to set more realistic expectations of yourself and cope with the anxiety perfectionism can bring. Therapy may be a good place to start – reach out to The Willow Center at 317-852-3690 if you’d like to learn more!
-Written by Corey Brackney, LMFTA
