There is not a soul on this earth that chose the family they were born into. Some of us have warm feelings about our blood relatives, while others of us feel like we simply cannot escape their shadow no matter how hard we try. For most of us, it’s a mix.
Some kids are born to parents that are addicted to substances. Some kids are abandoned or neglected by one of their caregivers. Some kids don’t know their parents and are raised by grandparents or adoptive parents. Some kids have to grow up fast and play the role of second parent for their younger siblings, or work part time to bring in additional income. Some kids must walk on eggshells at all times to avoid triggering their caregiver’s outbursts due to mental health struggles. Some kids are verbally, physically, sexually, emotionally, or spiritually abused by a member of their nuclear family. Some kids learn to hate themselves due to unrealistic caregiver expectations of perfection, or due to unfair comparison to their siblings. Some kids face jarring transitions due to immigration or due to their family moving communities for other reasons. Some kids tragically lose loved ones. Over half the kids in the USA witness their parents’ divorce, and often feel like they’re the only thing that was keeping them together up to that point, or that the conflict was their own fault.
Suffice to say there are a lot of families with a lot of trauma. Statistically, most of us have experienced some of it. None of us chose to experience these familial traumas, and it can take a long time to heal from them. It can take even longer to fill in the relational “gaps” that may have been left in one’s life in the process.
Thankfully, as we grow up and leave the nest, we get a new opportunity to “choose our family,” in a way. There are obvious examples such as being a member of sororities and fraternities, enlisting in a military unit, joining a travel sports team, and more that even include family-based language and terminology to describe their cultures. But many of us find our chosen family members in more subtle, organic ways.
It could be the little league baseball coach or scoutmaster that felt like a dad to you. It could be the only other weirdo in your graduating class that was super into heavy metal music that felt like a “brother from another mother.” It could be the older lady that sits next to you and invites you over for lunch every week after church that reminds you so much of your late grandma. It could be that best friend from college that you still FaceTime every Thursday at 7pm just to talk and laugh and encourage each other that feels closer than any sibling you grew up with.
Chosen family members are the ones who text you “just because you were on their mind.” They’re the ones who bring dinner over when life gets rough. They’re the ones who always assume the best about you, and are quick to offer their presence and their ears. And they do all of this not because of some blood-relative societal expectation of family loyalty, but rather because they just really like you for you. These relationships heal us. In many cases, they can provide a person with the love, safety, and connection that they always longed for in their nuclear family.
Whether we realize it or not, the kind of support these people provide to us is truly familial in nature. If you have family trauma and you’re not sure where to turn to find chosen family, The Willow Center can help. Call us at 317-852-3690.
-Written by Chase Cotten, Community Director
