I probably lost some of you with the title already, didn’t I? There are few things as uncomfortable as setting boundaries with the people that we know best or that know us best. Boundary conversations often produce a variety of feelings for everyone involved, often with offense. There are positive ways to have these conversations and negative ways to have these conversations. If we’re really being honest with ourselves, though, most of us just avoid having these conversations at all!
For many of us, one of the first boundary conversations we ever have just amounted to yelling at our parents to “leave me alone!” during our tumultuous teenage years. Or, it happened shortly after a wedding and honeymoon were over when a couple had to ask their eager family members for some space to be on their own together. Another example might be the new parents that had to remind the new grandparents that their parenting styles were going to be different and must be respected. None of these were easy conversations to have; however, they were each vitally important for the health of those relationships moving forward.
That’s the point! Without compassionate-but-firm boundaries, all relationships involved end up suffering. Good boundaries beget healthier relationships. So, how does this relate to our mental health and/or recovery journeys? Consider these two stories as a starting point for understanding the link:
- Nancy’s adult son, John, has been in active addiction for 3 years now, likely due to the grief he feels after the recent death of his father. John is 29 years old and lives at home with Nancy who is 66 years old. Nancy buys all the groceries, cooks all the meals, does all the laundry, and despite being recently retired from her teaching job, she is working as a cashier at Kroger in order to make ends meet to pay all the bills. John is currently unemployed, but makes a few dollars every couple of evenings Door-Dashing so he can buy weed and pills. Nancy feels trapped and is growing more depressed and anxious by the day due to John’s addiction and unwillingness to help with things around the house. In her mind, she is doing her best to take care of all the things so that John can “have the best shot” at success on his own, but in reality, she is enabling him to continue purchasing substances. Nancy needs to set a compassionate-but-firm boundary both for her own sake and for John’s sake.
- Skyler was kicked out of their home six weeks before their 18th birthday, and two weeks before graduation, when they came out as nonbinary to their parents. Their parents blew up, immediately calling them names and disparaging Skyler’s gender identity, and told them to pack their bags and leave. They were devastated, having expected their parents to potentially be more accepting, and buried their trauma and shame deep inside. Later that week after a few days on a friend’s couch, they moved in with their aunt two states over who was more accepting. Skyler was luckily able to finish their high school diploma online, graduate, and started working full time as a barista at the locally-owned coffee shop. After a year of work and saving money, Skyler got an apartment of their own. They made friends, joined a volunteer service club at the local library, started weekly therapy for the anxiety and PTSD symptoms they were experiencing, began dating, and even started performing at the coffee shop’s Open Mic on Sunday nights. Skyler was thriving, and doing their best to take care of themself. That fall, their parents started texted them once a week in a half-hearted effort to rekindle some kind of connection (never apologizing), eventually inviting Skyler to Thanksgiving dinner, but with the caveat that they “better not bring any queer friends home with you.” Skyler was torn between an instinctual desire to want a decent relationship with their parents still, and the idea that they would just be shamed by them no matter the setting or circumstance. Skyler needs to set a compassionate-but-firm boundary with their parents to prevent further interpersonal trauma.
In each of these stories, the subject’s own mental health was at risk due to the behavior of their family members. One of their healthiest options was setting a compassionate-but-firm boundary. Total breaking away of the relationships was not necessarily the subjects’ desired end result in either story. But, without some kind of clear boundary, unhealthy outcomes would have been the result. Although setting clear boundaries is difficult, it is a vital step in our personal growth. And, in many cases, it may be the only thing that can save a relationship long-term.
-Written by Chase Cotten, Community Director at The Willow Center
