Oxford dictionaries define the word resilience as, “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” This definition seems well enough on a surface-level reading. However, when the word is considered in the context of our mental health, we must consider what resilience is and what resilience is not.
Those of us who are over the age of 40 may remember resilience as being drilled into our psyche by way of the “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” message that was so popular a few decades ago, and still lingers today. Unfortunately, this message has a subtle way of dehumanizing and decontextualizing those on the receiving end of it, which can lead to problematic outcomes in one’s life. Resilience is much more complex than simply dusting yourself off after a painful situation.
There are three important items to consider as we think about resilience within this popular “bootstraps” message.
- 1) Not everybody has boots in the first place. For example, it is much more difficult for a single mom working two jobs that both require transportation to pick herself up and move on after a major financial setback such as a car breakdown than it is for a middle class married partner with reliable transportation and a stable income from a single salaried job.
- 2) We all may need help putting our boots on from time to time. Being an adult in the year of 2021 is no joke. Stress and labor burnout are at an all time high, which may be correlated to increased rates of depression, anxiety, and substance use across the board. The saying “pick yourself up…” implies that you are expected to have the strength to do so. But, sometimes we need help! Whether it’s mental health counseling, or it’s a night off from watching the kiddos – there is no shame in asking for and needing help.
- 3) Your boots may need to be replaced. Maybe the reason you are going through this painful experience right now is because your boots are worn out or don’t fit well. For example, we each cope with stress in healthy and unhealthy ways. Perhaps the unhealthy coping mechanisms we develop like over-eating, drinking too much, smoking, or numbing ourselves from processing our feelings are the ill-fitting boots. New boots, or new healthier coping mechanisms, are a much better way to “pick yourself up” and to keep yourself up.
I think it’s time we redefine resilience. It is so much more than just picking yourself up by your bootstraps! Resilience is taking good care of yourself, and taking care of each other. Resilience is knowing your own warning signs when things are getting difficult. Resilience is reaching out for help when needed. Resilience is a fresh start and a positive attitude. If we define resilience this way, we just may find that it’s been a part of us all along.
