When thinking about divorce, we often imagine everything two people are going through when separating – dividing up assets, custody battles, and continual conflict. Divorce is hard on adults, no question. But how does it affect their children?
With the growing rate of divorced couples in the world today, sometimes kids get lost in the shuffle. So how can we help our children and teenagers through a tough divorce? Below are some tips!
Tip #1: Let your kids know they can always ask questions regarding your divorce. Children need to know that their thoughts, feelings, and questions are always ok, and that you will be there for them when they need to talk. If they aren’t allowed to question or discuss the divorce, they may feel like it’s their fault, or bottle their feelings, leading to unhealthy coping skills in the long run.
Tip #2: Keep private conversations private. While it IS important to discuss your separation with your kids, to a degree, the details do not need to be part of the conversation. Encouraging the expression of children’s thoughts and feelings about the divorce is one thing. Sharing details of WHY the divorce is occurring, unless it’s in a very broad sense, may not be the healthiest thing for your kids – especially if something such as infidelity is involved.
Tip #3: Avoid name-calling and blaming, especially in front of your children. Avoid having them “take sides” – kids don’t deserve to be in the middle, period.
Tip #4: Offer support to your children. Asking what they need, or what you can do to help, is critically important to make their transition as smooth as possible. Remember, they are counting on you to be a caring, involved source of support in hard times!
We’ve gone over some tips for adults to help their kids – so kids, how can you help yourselves?
Tip #1: Find healthy outlets for your feelings. Buy a journal and try writing about the divorce – list the questions you may have, the thoughts you’re experiencing, or try writing a poem or a prayer.
Tip #2: Keep yourself healthy. Conflict and transitions are hard enough on their own. Don’t make the situation harder by resorting to unhealthy coping skills. Get enough sleep, eat a healthy diet, and make sure you’re getting in some activity or exercise.
Tip #3: Give yourself grace! Don’t beat yourself up. The divorce is NEVER a child’s fault. Moms and dads sometimes can’t work out their issues, just like friendships sometimes break up. It’s not an easy situation, but it’s nothing you “did” or said. Try treating yourself like you would treat your best friend – with kindness. Remember, you can grieve your parents’ separation and still experience other feelings – even joy. Have fun with what you can, and rely on other trusted adults for support too – a school counselor, a therapist, an aunt or an uncle, or a grandparent.
If you need more help in navigating a divorce in the family – parents OR kids – try finding a divorce support group, or enlisting the help of a professional here at The Willow Center (feel free to call us at 317-852-3690). Divorce doesn’t have to be the end of the world. It won’t be easy, but you CAN weather the storm in a healthy way!
–Written by Corey Brackney, LMFTA
